So You Want To Date A Chinese Girl

I’ve known hundreds of Chinese girls in their 20’s either in college or recent graduates and they are generally very shy and keep their personal lives close to the vest (this generally applies to all Chinese girls).  When you ask them about dating and how long before they will let their new boyfriend hold they hand they will most often tell you that that they would only allow their boyfriends to hold their hands after two months of dating and kissing may take up to half a year.  And when queried about sex with their boyfriends don’t be surprised if they say “NEVER” or marriage whichever comes first. 

But don’t dispart older Chinese girls in their 30’s on up or if they have been divorced, which is getting very common these days, are quick to develop a relationship including holding hands and bedroom adventures.  They have already lost their most important asset in terms of young men looking for a wife. One must keep in mind that China has had a feudal society for the last 5000 years or so. And honestly it is just now that girls from about 2010-15 have finally put big cracks in that mold albeit slowly.  

During all those years women had few rights. Their parents decided their marriages. Some of them did not see their fiancés until the wedding day. A woman’s virginity was indispensable. If a man found his wife was not a virgin when they got married, he could kick her out. As a result, the woman would be discriminated against and would be regarded as a whore. She often could not go back to live with her parents because it was such a humiliation on the family and her parents would lose face (面子). Most likely, she would end up selling her body on the street, in a KTV,  a whorehouse or committing suicide.

It’s our advice that if you plan on getting into a relationship with a Chinese girl that has not had sex before be very care indeed.  Why? Because virgin Chinese girls have sexual desires like everyone else and they may commit to going to bed with you thinking that you are her true love and having sex with you is just an early wedding gift to you.  She probably convinced herself that you are her husband to be.  So take it slow when you date a Chinese girl; she needs time to confirm that you are the one she wants to join for the rest of her life, not only in her bed. If you don’t heed this warning be ready when you break it off with her because  she will not take it easily. And she may make you life complicated if you live in her local area.

As far as other dating activities go, most “couple activities” slide right through the culture barrier. Boyfriends and girlfriends hang out, watch movies, study, eat and travel together. as you might expect back home. Albeit, Chinese girls, can be shopaholics and they often want you to be by their side holding bags (and their purse) as she goes about looking for clothes. It can be a small price to pay for all you can get in return. 

So guys, be patient when dating a Chinese girl: holding hands, kissing or sex might not happen as soon as you would expect. My experience is to be as truthful as possible when dating a Chinese girl: her heart might be more fragile than her virginity.

And if it happens that you have upset her or if you just want to show how much you care, a nice gift such as flowers, candy or a cake goes a long long way.